So for the past few weeks I haven’t gone out much or really spoke to anyone but my family. And honestly I didn’t really care. It was a whatever feeling I was pre occupied so it wasn’t bad at all. At the moment as I’m writing this being sleep deprived as usualw and having a wandering mind, I can’t l but think of my friend Alex. I haven’t seen or talked to her in forever. I miss her almost as much as I miss Steph. I miss all the fun times we spent together and memories we had, she’s a good friend. Maybe I’ll see her Wednesday if I go to the block party. Hope to see her soon.

A thought for this minute.

There’s still someone who miss more than I thought I would. Actually no I knew I’d miss them this much. Oi. I also miss some of the fun I had last year. Memories there, and stuff I’d like to do again but it seems so hard nowadays. But the main point of this is well… fuck I miss this person so much. Anyway back to thoughts and trying to finish stuff.

I never thought I’d actually say this. Especially so young. Especially with things the way they are. But holy shit I think I may want to marry this girl one day. Yeah yeah I know that sounds stupid with the way things are.

I guess my thoughts really never go away. Not always a bad thing, not always a good thing. So much goes on in my head and sometimes it moves at unbelievable speeds. Sometimes its overwhelming, others it justs gets to me or kills me. Sometimes its the strangest things ever or even the most D’aww worthy stuff ever. Point of is post is to say I think a lot and have a lot to say, even if I don’t always say it or know how to say it.

Feelings are strong things.

I just spent like 2 hours catching up with a friend, Anissa. It was nice. Didn’t really realize how much we are alike. She lives in Le Verne so she isn’t too far. I’ll go visit soon. Huh funny thing is I’ll probably see Clarissa if I go, that’ll be interesting for sure.

MDMA is a wonderful thing

I hope I can take a trip to Santa Cruz soon. I have people to visit, things to do, and laughs to have.

2/18/2103

Looks like it finally happened. After years of not shedding a tear tonight I shed tears. Unexpected. It started from the left eye, which means it was pain. Which I could tell. Seems like I’m making progress. Proves even more I do care. 

I love Stephanie Hernandez. Loving her is easy. Seeing her face and her smile is just a way to feel me up with feelings and happiness. Even if the unluckiest things happen when I’m with her, it makes me happy to see her. When she’s not here or away I can’t help but think of her and miss her. Things don’t look the best, but inside I feel this hope of some sorts and I have a feeling I should follow it. I love her too much to just let her disappear out of my life.

Pre-mature heart palpitations. Basically my heart is skipping beats. My heart is going to assplode or explode. Fuck haha I’m weak.

Saying it again

Today can only be decent or bad. If this actually goes decent… Holy shit the universe must not hate me. Like I kid you not if things go decent I will believe there is some force acting in the universe. If it goes horrible, welp I’m gonna hate myself today, tomorrow, and etc.

Today

Today pretty much only has two endings: decent or bad. If it’s decent it’s decent and if it’s bad it’s bad. I’m hoping it’s decent. If not I’ll probably try to be drunk out of my mind or something.

Something also pretty bad is she’s coming over to visit to see him, and he’s my roommate/bestfriend. I’ll probably be non existent. If he wanted to he and her could have something while I just be out there. Well things are going to be strange. Two steps forward one step back (in many ways).

Life is strange. Love is strange. Your bestfriend being close to the one you love and you not being is strange. Your love possibly most likely caring about your bestfriend is horrible and strange.